Finding the Love of Your Life with Marni Spencer-Devlin

eorge grombacher 0:02
Well blood for this is George G and the time is right welcome today’s guest strong and powerful Marty Spencer. Devlin Marnie, are you ready to do this?

Marni Spencer-Devlin 0:08
I am so ready to do this. Thanks for having me on your show. George.

george grombacher 0:12
excited to have you on let’s go. Marnie is an author. She’s a coach and the creator of the list method. It’s a step by step way to find the love of your life using neuroscience. She is a trauma and deadly disease survivor coaching professional women. Marni, excited to have you on tell us a little about your personal lives more about your work and why you do what you do.

Speaker 2 0:34
Why do I do what I do? Oh, that’s always the big question. Thanks for having me on your show, George. Yes. So as as you mentioned, I am a trauma survivor had a pretty crazy backstory. And without getting too more into it, it was my very first book is called crawling into the light. And it’s called that because there was so much crawling before the light. And I, I learned an awful lot through all these things, and ended up becoming very, very successful. I had a big marketing company, and I was, everything was great. But the one thing that still sort of eluded me was a good personal life. And then like many people sort of said, oh, you know, I’m fine the way I am. And, and then just, long story, very short, ended up coming to a point in my life where I felt that really that it would be good to have a relationship. And like I always say, a successful life should contain a successful relationship, and I was successful. And I felt I should have a successful relationship. And that’s when I sat down, and I made my own list. Now, the book, as you mentioned, is called the list method, the science based way to find the love of your life. And I started out by making a list, a pretty detailed list. And we’ll talk about that. But so what happened for me is, first there were so all sorts of barriers in my way that were keeping me from, from getting where I wanted to go. But once those were cleared out of the way, it literally took two days, a lot of people ask that, how did you meet your partners match.com, you do have to expose yourself out there to that. But when you go on match.com with the list, it literally took me two days, and I found the love of my life. And that was seven years ago, and it has gotten better, literally better every single day of my life. And my life is so changed, and so has opened up so much. And I’m a different person, I’m more confident more I just happier just just I live on a completely different level. And I wanted to share that with people. What also had initially got me to as I, as you mentioned, I’m a coach to professional women. And I’ve found that what my clients wanted to talk about wasn’t so much their careers, they were already good at those. What they wanted to talk about is how come they went home and they were alone. Or they went home and the boyfriend sucked. And and they wanted to know how can I be so successful here, and my personal life is so lackluster. And what we talked about most of the time was that so I realized that’s where that’s where the need is, that’s why I should be directing my need. And having done that work myself. I sat down for three years and said, Okay, what is it that I actually did? What What was the progression? Then I looked into neuroscience and and all sorts of things is like, what makes people act the way they do. And I ended up writing the book, the list method, the science based way to find the love of your life, because that’s sort of what it’s about. Because if you think about it, what do people do? Now, when they’re looking for somebody, you go out and you pick, like, I always like to say you go from the available inventory. You know, you go on match, or you go out to a bar or you go to a church or you go to wherever and you’re always there’s always the hope that you’re going to meet somebody, and then you say, Okay, what’s available? Yeah, that guy might work for me. Yeah, she looks okay. And you sort of make work what you have in front of you, you work with what you get. And then you bend and break your own needs to sort of match what you get in the relationship. And it’s, it’s not, it’s not perfect. People always like to say Oh, well, nothing’s perfect, but you know, it works. And then we wonder why 50% of all marriages break and why even the ones that aren’t breaking a lot of them aren’t all that the few that are the epic love that are the romantic they’re the thing that you write about in in love songs and wood that you see in movies, that it’s a tiny percentage of people that have that kind of love, but it’s that kind of love that is worth having. It’s that kind of love that really opens up your life and really makes it better. The question is, how do you find it?

george grombacher 5:06
The question is, how do you find it? Yes.

Speaker 2 5:09
What about doing it? The way you don’t do it is what people are doing. Now you go from the available inventory, the way the list method is telling you to do it is you do the work is, in fact, actually, you can find out more about the list method book, go on list method.com. And that’s, you can you can find the book there, but also list method.com/workbook, you also find the free workbook, which is the crux of the book, really. And you go through this journey of self discovery, and you figure out, you really ask yourself and you discover what are my biggest needs? What are my desires? What are my values? What are my standards? And in a perfect world? What would my ideal life really look like? So when I know all these things about myself, then it’s really easy to say, Okay, how would be the perfect person for me, obviously, if you want to spend three weeks of the year skiing, then you’re not going to get yourself somebody wants to hang out on the beach all the time. And when you meet that person that wants to hang out on the beach all the time, you know, that’s not your person. So you find the one that is 100%, your, your perfect match in all areas. And people go, you know, there’s all these fears people have people say, Well, if I’m that picky, I’m never going to find what I’m looking for. But that’s exactly the opposite of what we find in everywhere else in life. When you set goals, professional goals, you know, you make your two year, three year, five year 10 year goals, you don’t go oh, if I’m that picky, I’ll never get it. No, because you know exactly that, the more clear you are, the sharper your vision of your of your goals and your future is, the faster it’s going to come about. And it’s the very same thing, it’s the same law that applies that the clearer you are about the partner that you’re looking for, the more you’re going to find it, the reason people aren’t finding it is because they’re not clear about it. And they don’t want to make any demands. And they want to say, well, you know, it’s better, I better just go with what I get. And then you get what you get. And it’s not going to be perfect. But if you ask for it, and you know for shifting know what it is. And then you have to then you make your list. And like I say with me to two days, I still remember the day was a Tuesday and on Thursday match match me up. And it’s been perfect ever since. Does that make sense?

george grombacher 7:43
It makes perfect sense. And like, literally, it makes perfect sense. I spent so much time thinking personally about how it’s super important that I talk about how the only way to live, how you want is to know how you how you want to live, you have to get really clear on your goals, you need to know about your beliefs and your values you need to know about your habits, you just need to do this examination, which is what you’re talking about. Because if I don’t do a deep examination of what I really want, and who I want to be with and what I want my life to look like, well, then I will only be making guesses and compromises and the available inventory that looks decent and good enough, because I have no idea what I really want.

Unknown Speaker 8:27
And everywhere else in your life you wouldn’t accept good enough,

george grombacher 8:31
you’re probably not

Speaker 2 8:32
somewhat intelligent, wants to look for the best for their lives good enough, doesn’t doesn’t cut it. And for the most important relationship in your life, the person that you take home with you that you share significant amounts of your days and your nights, as well as most of your income. That is going to be good enough. And then people wonder why they’re saying Oh, Relationships are hard work. Oh, I don’t want you know, yeah, it’d be nice to be in a relationship. But I don’t want to lose myself or bread, I don’t want to compromise. I don’t want to have all that deal making. Well, that’s only necessary when you got good enough. That’s when you have to make deals is it

george grombacher 9:13
I think that we’re living through this giant lie, that it’s okay to be. It’s it’s okay to be on your own. I think that that’s maybe directed more towards women than it is men. But I haven’t really felt that all the way through. And I think that that’s a very dangerous thing, because I’m with you that that really the happiness of our lives is the sum of the interactions we have with other people. And so having a wonderful romantic partner that you can share every aspect of your life is is really essential to having a whole and happy life. And then there’s all this other head trash that you’re sort of talking about. That it’s programming and it’s just it’s just junk that is kind of floating around in the ether and so we’re sort of lying to ourselves about don’t really think about what I really want.

Speaker 2 10:05
Yes, and I’ve actually heard you say that A times before to where our beliefs and, and the filters through which we see life is that all that shows up that literally is the framework through which we experience life. So if you keep having the same experience, you keep meeting the same person on same weirdo over and over and over again, it’s because that’s not because that’s all that’s out there. It’s all you can see. So the good news is that it is, it’s, it’s up to you, it’s your own change. Again, it’s not, that’s all that’s out there, there’s wonderful people out there that are incredibly compact, there’s definitely love of your life is out there. But you can’t see it. Because you have all these old beliefs and whatever those beliefs are, you know, all the good ones are taken on to all they can’t start over, or they’re all crazy, they all cheat, they all lie, they all turn on your so many beliefs that are keeping people from healthy, happy relationships, or even themselves, Oh, I’m not good at it, I can’t do that. I don’t communicate well, what all these things are, when there’s somebody out there that communicates just like you do, and just the gets the same jobs that you do, and just all the as the same secure more that you do, there’s somebody out there, that’s 100% perfect for you, if you just look for them. But the problem is, as long as you have all these old beliefs that are getting in the way, it really stops you. And the thing is a belief isn’t just a mental concept that we live by a belief is an actual physical manifestation in the brain. I’m sure as you know, that think of thought long enough. And often enough, the the nerve centers that are involved in that thinking literally physically reach out to one another and build these nerve bridges called synaptic connections, that over which then the nerve energy travels. And that’s essentially a belief that that’s forms a concept. And from then on, we believe this way of thinking is the right way. We don’t even question it anymore. So you keep meeting the same weirdo, then you think, Oh, well, that’s just the way it is. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The problem is that you can’t just get rid of a synaptic connection, the brain is a physical organism and it will fight having injury done to it, it will not want to have its mind change. In fact, you you probably know this yourself, if somebody approaches you with a different opinion, we find that a lot now in the political climate, somebody comes with a different political opinion, oh my gosh, you get your hackles up can you could feel it, can’t you, then that’s the brain literally fighting having its its structure changed. It does not want that to happen. It’s very firm set structure. So you can’t change an existing belief. But you can form a new one. So you can ask yourself, you make your list and you ask yourself in a perfect world, what would it look like? What would what would my perfect partner look like in a perfect world? What would my ideal life look like? And who would match that, then, and that the brain won’t fight, the brain will let you do that. And in fact, on the list method.com/workbook, you’ll also find two visualizations, because that’s sort of the key. If you don’t have an experience yet of the new life that you’d like to live, you don’t know what it’ll feel like. I mean, how can you imagine a blissful relationship when you have no clue what that really is? But you can sort of get there with doing the work, and then visualizing what do I imagine that to feel like, and visualization is very powerful athletes use it all the time. And it is a way to form new neural connections in the brain, without affecting the old ones in the beginning. And so there’s no fight going on. So you can actually form new beliefs, while the old ones are sort of hanging on for a little bit longer. But the new believes the new love, the new excitement for life is so much more fun, it’s so much nicer than eventually the old beliefs will just sort of die from non use. So that’s the way to get rid of the old beliefs, the old barriers you don’t fight them, you don’t go to therapy and try to figure out why you think that all men cheat. Don’t Don’t even touch it because every time you think that thought you actually strengthen that that neural connection, but instead go towards ask yourself, Well, alright, this this is the way life is yes, all men cheat. But in a perfect world. What would I like for it to look like? And then you slowly but surely put emphasis on that thought. And whatever you give your attention to whatever you focus on, that’s what you build, to where you put your energy. And that’s also in your brain where you build the neural connections and the synaptic connections and then that it will eventually be Come the world that you see. And it’s a beautiful world.

george grombacher 15:05
Amen. Really well said, how important is it that I feel like I’m worthy or deserving of the love that I want?

Speaker 2 15:15
Well, yes, I mean, that’s a tough one. Because you’re right. There’s a lot of people that don’t feel worthy and deserving. To me, it seems crazy, to to think that you as a unique, you know, God created individual would not be worthy of love. But yet, that’s how we grow up. That’s what we think it becomes a belief. And again, I don’t think you can go up against beliefs head on. If somebody believes they’re not worthy of love, I can sit there until I’m blue in the face and try to explain to them how worthy they are, and how loved they are and how worth loving they are. They’re not going to hear me bounces right off of you, you only experienced the world that is within the framework of your beliefs. You only see through your own filters. And if somebody says something that falls outside those filters, they might as well not even say it because you’re not going to hear it. So there again, you go through okay, yes, I’m not worthy of love. But in a perfect world, what would it feel like if somebody loved me? And that’s not

george grombacher 16:18
be possible. But in but but if it were possible,

Speaker 2 16:23
what would not? But if it were, and that’s okay, then you there’s not a fight inside of you. There’s not those hackles aren’t going up that gall. But we all know that yes, we will leave it in place. We don’t fight it. And we just do the other and the other will take over eventually. Got it. I think it’s the only way to fight any any kind of craziness that we’ve built up over the years in our brains.

george grombacher 16:47
To good point. Yeah, those those limiting beliefs of mine are, are a hard hard one. And they’ve been with me for as long as I’ve been around. So these are mine. I’m not ready to give them up just yet. But on the outs just just just just for fun. What just crazy

Speaker 2 17:11
notion. And we know you right? Yes, you are completely limited in every way. But just crazy notion. What if you weren’t. And that’s the way to go around it. Because you cannot go ahead on because your brains immediately gonna find it. It literally is like trying to put injury to your brain and your brain is not going to like that. And it’s going to put up its hackles. Yeah. So that’s the best way to get around it.

george grombacher 17:36
So why not? Why not? Why not try this?

Speaker 2 17:40
Why not try it? Because I tell you, everybody, all my beta readers in the beginning for the book, everybody that’s read it, and has done it has actually found the love of their life.

george grombacher 17:53
Amazing, pretty cool.

Speaker 2 17:55
It’s been. Because if it works, every time, it’s just a law of nature. If you’re really clear on something, and you begin creating the possibility of it in your life, it will happen and it happens. mind blowingly fast. Also, it’s shocking how fast like I said with me two days. Good friend of mine went on vacation to Ireland met somebody that’s it moving, met the love of her life in Ireland. I mean, you know, you don’t know where it’s coming from, but it comes fast.

george grombacher 18:30
I love it. Well, Marty, thank you so much for coming on. Where can people learn more about you? Where can they get their copy of the list method, list method, give us the website.

Marni Spencer-Devlin 18:42
Again, the list method.com. Just go on that you can find out more about it. There’s a link directly to buy the book. And it’s a website. So there’s different pages. And if you go to the workbook page, you find the free workbook to do that work of self discovery. You find some free visualizations there to do one for morning and one for evening. You start doing this, it just cut five minutes, it doesn’t take much out of your day. But eventually you start creating those new neural connections that will make that good life possible. And like I say, I have enough experiences and examples under my belt now that knows when people do this work. It takes this long and they find it and I hope all your readers will try it out and we’ll find find the love of their life because it man it’s worth it

george grombacher 19:29
to. Well, if you enjoyed the show, I appreciate you coming on. You enjoyed this as much as I did show Marney your appreciation and share today’s show with a friend who also appreciates good ideas go to the list method.com And check out all the great resources, pick up a copy of the list method, the very least go to the workbook section and take advantage of that free resource that Marty’s been talking about that we’ve been talking about today. Do the work and have the break through and start, start. Clear the way for that relationship that you really desire to actually show up and give yourself the opportunity to, to have that happiness in in your life. Good morning.

Marni Spencer-Devlin 20:15
Thank you so much. George was really a pleasure. Thank you.

george grombacher 20:18
And until next time, remember, do your part by doing your best ego

Transcribed by https://otter.ai