Overcoming Dysregulation with Allie Stark

george grombacher 0:01
Ali. Ali Stark is the founder and life coach with Ali Stark wellness. She is the founder of Noria. She is working to awaken a new era of leaders and humans. Welcome to the show, Ali.

Allie Stark 0:13
Thanks George for having me. I’m so happy to be here.

george grombacher 0:16
Yeah, I’m excited to have you on. Tell us a little about your personal lives, more about your work? Why you do what you do?

Allie Stark 0:24
Yeah, I was appreciating this is the initial question about my personal life. So from a personal perspective, I’m someone who’s really committed to growth and learning. And this was coming up specifically because I’m currently six months pregnant, and I’ve been noticing that I’ve been feeling a little bit restless lately, and I think that that’s very much connected to I’m someone who really likes novelty and new experiences and being curious and adventuring and being out in the world. And I’m having a bit of a paradoxical moment where my mind wants me to do that, but my body isn’t really having it, so that’s just been something I’ve been exploring. So I’m answering the question from a very present moment. But you know, my personal life is, I’m someone that’s really committed to learning, to expanding my mind and consciousness, to seeing new places in the world and meeting new people. I’m someone who loves to delight in arts and culture. I like to intake beauty and be a part of what makes for more beautiful world. And how that connects to my work is that I support other people in doing the same thing. So I’ve worked as it’s had many iterations, but it’s gone from a health and wellness coach to a life coach to a leadership coach and a business owner for the last 20 years. And I support individuals and organizations in a myriad of different ways of stepping or shifting into greater alignment, which can mean you know many, many things depending upon who you are and where you’re at in your life.

george grombacher 2:03
I love it. And congratulations on on the pending baby.

Allie Stark 2:07
Thank you. I

george grombacher 2:09
don’t know that anybody’s ever referred to being pregnant as a pending baby or not, but that’s okay.

Allie Stark 2:14
I’m not precious about it. It can be a pending baby,

george grombacher 2:18
a pending baby, and I liked how you said that you were exploring your desire to be adventurous and experiential with what I would perceive to be a limitation that baby is putting on you. So the exploration,

Allie Stark 2:33
yeah, well, I think George, the funny thing about it is like you’re embarking on what I imagine this is only hearsay. It’s not a lived experience yet, but what I imagine to be one of the most novel, new, like mind bending and expanding experiences that I’m going to have. And you have this period, or at least in my own experience, there’s this period of stillness that’s showing up prior to it, um, and so, yeah, there’s just this, like, having to sit in it a little bit, which I’ve been wrestling with. I think, as it happens, will, will this be your first child? It is my first child. Yeah,

george grombacher 3:15
well, it’s super exciting. And I think that all, all joking aside, I think that that’s perfect way to sum it all up. I don’t have any lived experience of carrying a child, but I am a dad to three of them, so just observing my wife go through that, that journey and stillness and sitting in it and exploration, I think that those are wonderful and appropriate words for it. So thank you. Yeah, that’s super exciting. All right, so wanting to appreciating beauty in the world and wanting to add to it and foster it and help people to to become better leaders and better human beings.

Allie Stark 3:58
It’s a small mission, you know? Is that,

george grombacher 4:00
is is that? Is that frustrating? Work, is it rewarding? Work, is it is it both?

Allie Stark 4:07
I don’t find it frustrating. I think that you could talk to some coaches, you know, a point of frustration that I think can show up sometimes in the coaching dynamic is when people are really having a difficult time changing, which is true for everyone you know. Our ability to shift and change stuckness shows up at different points, typically in our change cycle, right? And we have patterns and themes that arise where there’s fear, etc. I feel like it can be frustrating if you are potentially overly taking responsibility for where your client is at or where the organization is at in its cycle of transformation, I try my best to take the approach of really standing shoulder to shoulder with my clients and allowing their process of. Transformation to unfold. And I think that so much of you know our current culture is like a fast fix, right? We want to three step process that helps us get through XYZ that we’re dealing with. And in my experience, just personally and professionally, change takes time, and it depends on what it is that you are transmuting or alchemizing. So some stuff can be very quick and some stuff can be very fast. So I generally don’t find it frustrating, because I’m just along for the ride with people, and really there to be a witness and an observer and a compassionate person that reflects stuff back. And generally, I find it really exciting. I’m always so amazed that your clientele, or at least kind of in my career, my clientele oftentimes matches something that I’m going through in my own life. So so much of the work is this mirrored reflection of my own growth and my own change, and that keeps it really interesting. I mean, the human psyche is endlessly fascinating, and as my personal and professional development goes on, I get more and more interested in the body and what the body is telling us. So I don’t really get that bored or frustrated. It’s always changing.

george grombacher 6:24
It is dynamic, for sure. It is interesting, right? We’re going through our own change, and then we see that in the the lives of the people that that were have some kind of influence over be it our kids or our friends or our spouse or our clients, so I think it’s fascinating as well. And being along for the ride and being shoulder to shoulder is probably also a wonderful microcosm for for parenting as well. But we probably don’t need to go down that road, so we’ll circle back on that one in a couple years. Okay, that sounds great. How does it i It’s I think I’m interested in hearing about the process that you take individuals through, but how does that work for an organization?

Allie Stark 7:09
Great question. So maybe I’ll start by sharing a little bit about the process that I take individuals through, and then how it gets applied to an organization, because it is slightly different. So I do have a process. I like to tell people that it’s non linear and it looks different for every person, because each person is very unique and individual, and if I was to apply a certain specific framework, it just doesn’t work like that. So there’s three parts. The first part is to unlearn. So what shows up in that space is a lot of limiting beliefs or narratives, stories that we tell about ourselves, societal conditioning and belief. So we do a lot of unpacking. If we were to look at that, just because we’re talking a little bit about a change model, if we were to look at that from a change model perspective, that’s really this awareness growing stage, and it’s the process of growing your awareness and contemplating some of that awareness. And oftentimes that’s where therapy can sort of stop. And so I think that’s when coaching comes in. And the second part of the process is awakening. I like to call this the messy middle. We’re throwing a lot of spaghetti on the wall. We’re seeing what sticks. It’s what makes you feel vibrant and alive. Let’s return to when you were a child. Let’s examine possibilities that you really always thought were out of your reach. So you know, whether we call it, throwing spaghetti on the wall, seeing what sticks. I have a coach on my team who says it’s like walking someone out into the woods naked, but we’re holding their hand. You know, it’s really this, like provocative, very open ended, very creative part of the coaching process. And I like that it gets messy. I think that we’re supposed to kind of get in the muck a little bit for a while, and then the final part of the process. And again, it never looks like this. It’s not in a straight line, but is aligning. And so what we do then is we take people’s external factors in their life. So maybe they’re looking for a career change or leadership tools, or they’re growing or expanding a business or entering or exiting a relationship, or really aligning those external things with that inner awakening. So from an organizational perspective, if I’m working with them in more of a facilitative, you know, one off or a couple of on sites. Oftentimes we’re just working in one phase of that process, right? So it’s a lot of the ideation and co creation, etc, and we’re really just starting a conversation and then handing it off to the leaders of the organization to then create the internal handbook or the value system or whatever else it is. But so often in the facilitative space, it’s about like creating the container for them to feel really comfortable, to get messy and to have dynamic often. Difficult conversation, so it’s more focused on one segment or one section. And then I would say that being said, I have a second business where we have an online course called shift the way you lead, and that’s an extended individual course that has a live component, and you really are being walked through those phases as a leader, learning about self awareness and self regulation, right? So that’s that unlearning part, the awakening part is really understanding how to have dynamic one on one conversations, transform environments, build a culture of belonging, and then you go all the way into meaning and purpose, and I think that so much of that final alignment phase is what makes me feel alive, and how is it of service to the world around me. So what I love about processes is you can articulate them really clearly, and they’re able to be adaptable and flexible depending upon the audience and who I’m working with. Yeah,

george grombacher 11:04
I appreciate that. I don’t even know that. I wish that a process like that would be linear, like you just go one thing and then it’s next, and next, the next, and I’m all done with that one. It makes sense that it’s sort of all moving at the same time, because we’re always changing and our preferences and our learning and everything else.

Allie Stark 11:25
Yes. And for our Noria course, the shift the way you lead course, we have an actual framework. The framework is water, and each of the words, it’s an acronym, right? So each of the words stands for a phase in development. And what I can say is any framework or process that I tend to use is an inside out process. So it always starts from this really deep space of understanding who you are, how you experience the world around you, what holds you back, where your nervous system is getting dysregulated. I feel like, as my career has evolved, that’s almost the thing I care about the most. Your thoughts, to me, are sort of like, cool, like, we’re not going to spend a lot of time here. It’s really like, how does your nervous system feel? What’s your body awareness? When are you getting dysregulated? When you tap into a regulated state? So it’s always this process of moving from the inside out. And then there are tools and skills that help support you in creating dynamic relationships with others.

george grombacher 12:29
What is it about the dysregulation that is so interesting to you?

Allie Stark 12:34
I think that we over complicate things and that our nervous system is truly the wisest tool that we have. So what’s so amazing to me about our nervous system is our nervous system is pre programmed, like in our genetic development. It comes with all of this inherited, intergenerational stuff that’s taking place, right? So where the mom and dad come from, whether it’s religious or cultural or gender backgrounds, how the baby is in the womb, the foods that are eaten by the mom, all of that sort of stuff. And then you’re sort of immediately dropped onto planet Earth, this spinning orb in the galaxies, and it’s impacted right away, right you know, how are your Are you attaching to your parents? What kind of care are you receiving? What’s the physical environment, the air quality that you’re being dropped into? All of those things are formulating your nervous system, however, it’s not fixed. You actually have the power using breath, self awareness, mindfulness and regulation tools to transform the way your nervous system reacts and responds to things. And I never think it’s about not getting dysregulated, like we live in a crazy place. You’re going to get stressed out. But I always think that, you know, the goal is, can we shorten the time between dysregulation and regulation, and so I think it’s so amazing because we live in a highly intellectualized culture that really honors our brains, and I think our nervous system is the wisest thing that exists. So sometimes I’ll work with clients who are dating, and a lot of it is like, let’s just zone out all the thoughts that you have about your future iteration of life with this person, whatever story you’re telling, how did your body feel when you’re around them? And how can we separate out excitement from a state of dysregulation? How do we, you know? How can we actually grow into understanding how your body is responding to this person’s energy. I just think energy is what makes the world go round, and our nervous system is what helps to teach us about energy that feels good and not so good. How’s your nervous system feeling with me right now? George,

george grombacher 14:59
OH. I liked I liked you immediately when you came into our call. So I’m still enjoying our time together. So my body feels a certain way, and that is due to the due to energy. But I was just, how am I sussing out my nervous system versus my feeling? Or it’s, it’s, it’s both.

Allie Stark 15:22
They’re a little bit interconnected. So you know what I would have someone do is, you know, take a beat, take a few breaths, slow themselves down, and really say, What am I feeling in my body right now? So my heart is beating really fast, or my stomach is contracted, or my shoulders are tense, or it can be the opposite. I feel really open and calm. My breathing is at like, a really rhythmic pace, right? So I would sort of start with the body, that’s the nervous system, then we can attach feelings to it, okay? So if your stomach is feeling contracted, can you share a little bit about what’s coming up? And then, of course, we get into the, I just heard this beautiful quote the other day, we get into this question of like, the why, right? And the quote that I heard, it was by Elizabeth Gilbert, which, I don’t know if it’s her quote, but it was, why is not a spiritual question, and it doesn’t give you spiritual answers. And so her response was more of ask, how? And so it’s what we want to just we want to kind of analyze the feeling, right? Why am I feeling this? Where is it coming from? And I’m not even convinced that it matters. Sometimes I think that what matters is I’m feeling the way that I’m feeling. I’m going to trust the feeling. How do I get back into a regulated state? So I can see this more clearly, because when we’re dysregulated, that’s when we do crazy crap, that’s when we’re like, reactive and say things that we we regret all

george grombacher 16:53
that sort of stuff. Yeah, I think that that makes a lot of sense. Why is not a spiritual question. I just came up, I came upon the in the process of thinking about self management and being a good self manager and self awareness, that when I’m asking, like, Why did I do that? It’s very accusatory. Versus, what, what were the circumstances that led to that? And you know what went well? What? What could I have done differently versus Why are you such a moron? George?

Allie Stark 17:24
Yeah. And I think I’m just like, Oh, George, we have to work on that little voice inside of you that goes to, why are you

george grombacher 17:37
such a moron? It’s because of my conditioning.

Allie Stark 17:41
I’m just kidding. Okay, good, okay, good, um, but I do think a lot of people go to that place for sure, and I think that a lot of us also want to understand, yeah, we just want to make sense of the world around us, and sometimes that’s helpful. And I oftentimes feel like actually growing your capacity to be with uncertainty. I mean, let’s circle this back to the beginning of my introduction of just like I could sit here and analyze, you know, till night falls about, why am I feeling restless right now? And I don’t think I’m going to come up with any magnificent answers or analytics of understanding. I think that actually just how do I want to be with the restlessness? How do I want to be with my body when it feels dysregulated? How do I want to be with my thoughts when they call myself a moron, is a much more expansive and kind way to be with ourselves, and we have to sit in those spaces of just not knowing a lot of the time.

george grombacher 18:56
How do I want to be? I think that that is, I think that that is the foundational question, or it’s a foundational question right there, as so many of us, and this was certainly me struggling with, with just life and modern living and the chaos and the the enormity of it and the frustrations of it, and it, and how do I want to be? Start by asking that question, because I get to choose that. I get to choose if I want to be a happy person or content or aggressive or angry. I’m choosing all of this. But then I need this is just me. I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but I think that we need a guide or a framework for unpacking and exploring that, starting with that question, and understanding that I have the ability and the power to to choose and to decide how I want to be and how I want to think and feel. I. Yeah, but then getting some guidance and some nudges or some direction on, okay, now, now what?

Allie Stark 20:08
Well? And we all need that guidance. You know, it’s so much of it is, how do I want to be in relationship with what’s happening right now in this moment? Because it’s one of the few things you have choice and control over and I’m so imperfect at that I’m excellent at guiding people in that space. But, of course, there’s regular moments throughout my day where it would be so nice to have, like a little pocket coach or whatnot, you know, who steps up and is like, how do you want to be with that? Ali, you know, I think that we need constant reminders, because it’s almost easier until you have enough practice with it to choose being grumpy about something, being curmudgeonly about something, turning toward like our brains and specifically like our culture has wired us to create neural pathways that go in that direction. So really, being in the act of choosing, I’m going to get curious. That’s how I want to that’s actually my answer of how I want to be about everything. I want to be curious, right? Like, oh, I’m feeling X. I want to get curious about that. I don’t need to understand why I just want to like, Huh? How do I want to be with this curiosity, open mindedness? You know, our little like deer in the headlighty kind of like, I wonder what’s going to happen. We’re going to see, and I think that that takes a lot of practice and self compassion and self kindness, because it’s, it is this, like, revealing kind of mystical process, and we just want answers, like, if I’m grumpy, then I have an answer to this, and I can just say I had a really bad day, and that’s the mood that I’m going to be in. So, I mean, there’s so many ways that we can go at this, but yes, I think we all need guides and support systems that kind of help us through these moments.

george grombacher 22:12
Yeah, and, and, and it’s possible you help people all the time. You’re helping people to to to make that decision, and then to equip them to actually take actions or think thoughts, to to bring themselves to that place that they want to

Unknown Speaker 22:30
be. Yes,

george grombacher 22:33
I love it well. Ali, thank you so much for coming on. Where can people learn more and how can they engage in in this process we’ve been talking about with you,

Allie Stark 22:44
I offer two ways that you can find me. So one is through my coaching and consulting practice, which is Ali starkwellness.com a, l, l, I, E, S, T, a, r, k, and then the word wellness.com and that’s for more individual, bespoke support, and it’s for a gamut. So it’s life, coaching, leadership, coaching, entrepreneurial coaching, etc. We have a team that can kind of handle it all. And then Noria is my online learning platform that has a course group, coaching, a community for a new era of living and leading. And that’s Hello, Noria. Noria spelt N, O, R, I a.com and you can find all kinds of information about courses, coaching, etc, through there. And just thank you for the opportunity to ask some of these questions today. I really appreciate it.

george grombacher 23:41
Yeah, well, I am grateful for your time. If you enjoyed this message I did. Show Ali your appreciation and share today’s show with a friend who also appreciates good ideas. Go to alistarkwellness.com check out everything Allie is working on and then check out Hello. Noria, H, E, L, L, O, N, O, R, I a.com as well. Thanks, canali, Thanks, George, until next time, remember do your part by doing your best. You.

george grombacher 16:00
So if I want my iPhone, and my Tesla and my Bitcoin to work, we need to get the metal out of the ground.

Pierre Leveille 16:07
Absolutely. Without it, we cannot do it.

george grombacher 16:13
Why? Why is there a Why has production been going down.

Pierre Leveille 16:21
Because the large mines that are producing most of the copper in the world, the grades are going down slowly they’re going there, they’re arriving near the end of life. So and of life of mines in general means less production. And in the past, at least 15 years, the exploration expenditure for copper were pretty low, because the price of copper was low. And when the price is low, companies are tending to not invest more so much in exploration, which is what we see today. It’s it’s, it’s not the way to look at it. Because nobody 15 years ago was able to predict that there would be a so massive shortage, or it’s so massive demand coming. But in the past five years, or let’s say since the since 10 years, we have seen that more and more coming. And then the by the time you react start exploring and there’s more money than then ever that is putting in put it in expression at the moment for copper at least. And what we see is that the it takes time, it could take up to 2025 years between the time you find a deposit that it gets in production. So but but the year the time is counted. So it’s it’s very important to so you will see company reopening old mines, what it will push also, which is not bad, it will force to two, it will force to find a it will force to find ways of recalibrating customer, you know the metals, that will be more and more important.

george grombacher 18:07
So finding, okay, so for lack of a better term recycling metals that are just sitting around somewhere extremely important. Yeah. And then going and going back to historic minds that maybe for lack of technology, or just lack of will or reasons, but maybe now because there’s such a demand, there’s an appetite to go back to those.

Pierre Leveille 18:33
Yes, but there will be a lot of failures into that for many reasons. But the ones that will be in that will resume mining it’s just going to be a short term temporary solution. No it’s it’s not going to be you need to find deposit that will that will operate 50 years you know at least it’s 25 to 50 years at least and an old mind that you do in production in general it’s less than 10 years.

george grombacher 19:03
Got it. Oh there we go. Up here. People are ready for your difference making tip What do you have for them

Pierre Leveille 19:14
You mean an investment or

george grombacher 19:17
whatever you’re into, you’ve got so much life experience with raising a family and doing business all over the world and having your kids go to school in Africa so a tip on copper or whatever you’re into.

Pierre Leveille 19:34
But there’s two things I like to see and I was telling my children many times and I always said you know don’t focus on what will bring you specifically money don’t think of Getting Rich. Think of doing what you what you like, what you feel your your your your your, you know you have been born to do so use your most you skills, do what you like, do what you wet well, and good things will happen to you. And I can see them grow in their life. And I can tell you that this is what happens. And sometimes you have setback like I had recently. But if we do things properly, if we do things that we like, and we liked that project, we were very passionate about that project, not only me, all my team, and if we do things properly, if we do things correctly, good things will happen. And we will probably get the project back had to go forward or we will find another big project that will be the launch of a new era. So that’s my most important tip in life. Do what you like, do it with your best scale and do it well and good things will happen.

george grombacher 20:49
Pierre Leveille 21:03
Thank you. I was happy to be with you to today.

george grombacher 21:06
Damn, tell us the websites and where where people can connect and find you.

Pierre Leveille 21:13
The it’s Deep South resources.com. So pretty simple.

george grombacher 21:18
Perfect. Well, if you enjoyed this as much as I did show up here your appreciation and share today’s show with a friend who also appreciate good ideas, go to deep south resources, calm and learn all about what they’re working on and track their progress.

Pierre Leveille 21:32
Thanks. Thanks, have a nice day.

george grombacher 21:36
And until next time, keep fighting the good fight. We’re all in this together.