It’s OK to Be Single with Shani Silver

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Oh my god, this is George G. And the time is right. welcome today’s guest strong a powerful shiny silver shiny. Are you ready to do this? Absolutely. I love being on other people’s podcasts. It’s one of my great choice. Yeah, I’m excited to have you on. She is the host of a single serving podcast. She’s the author of single revolution. Don’t look for a match light one excited to have you on she tell us a little about your personal life’s more about your work and why you do what you do. Oh, my goodness, well, why do what I do is a mixture of a lot of things. One, I’m very lucky in that I’m good at it, I found something that I have a talent for that I also happen to love to do. And I think what people call that is purpose, I’m not sure. But it’s definitely something that I’ve found to be purposeful for me. So I’m very, very lucky. And I don’t take what I do for granted at all. I’m a writer and a podcaster. I’m a narrative changer, a narrative challenger. And I spend a lot of time hopefully helping single people change their perspective and find, find a new one, one that doesn’t include the shame and lack messaging that we receive around singlehood. From, from our upbringing, from society, from media from all of that. So that’s, that’s what I do. Nice. Well, I certainly appreciate all that. How did how did it all come to be? Did you did you realize years and years ago, this is exactly what I want to do. Or?

Shani Silver 1:40
No, I I mean, like many of us, I grew up and pursued a traditional path to success that a lot of our families hope for us and grimace into. I did I mean, I was a lawyer for a while I was in social work for a while. And I was in the startup world for many, many years, sort of on a perpetual grind and hustle upward. And when I had reached a point where I was pretty much as up as I had intended to go in that space, I got really scared, you know, where do I go from here I’ve done I’ve done what I can do in this space. And I don’t see room for more growth that makes me happy. And I looked ahead into my professional future, something that’s incredibly important to me, I’m very work centric, I, I’m very lit up by the notion of work, I find a lot of joy in it. And I wasn’t able to find that joy anymore. So I think that’s probably when the seeds of the need for a new career started to be planted. And it coincided very conveniently with a certain level of exhaustion, and frustration in the dating space. So I’ve been single for nearly 14 years. And for about a decade of that I was very actively dating both online in real life, all of it. And it was an incredibly fruitless endeavor. It was it was 10 solid years of effort that we’re never once rewarded with even one relationship. So that sort of boiled over into

a real need for perspective shift for narrative change. And for a lot of challenge like why? Why was I dating so hard? And aggressively? Why was I pursuing someone so intently? Why was I doing this? Because I had never asked before. I just thought it’s what you did. I thought if you were single you look for someone. I thought that’s what everyone did sort of like any other chore that we have in our lives. It was no different for me than washing dishes. I thought if you’re single you date, that’s what you do. And when I started to challenge that idea, and say, Wait a minute, why am I dating? Why is being single bad? Why is this something that I have to put overt effort into? Why can’t it just be something that happens in life? Why can’t I just live and see what happens then too. And so I started asking those questions. And it led to a lot of sort of illuminations, it led to feeling a lot better it led to it led to a sort of a need to tell other people, Hey, you don’t have to be miserably single. If you don’t want to be there’s another way to do this. And so that’s why that’s why I created my podcast. And that’s why I wrote a book.

george grombacher 4:10
Nice. Being single isn’t a condition.

Shani Silver 4:14
Not at all. Not at all,

george grombacher 4:17
yet, yet. We you know, and it’s something I’ve never really thought about either. If I’m single now it’s I this is this is a temporary state and it’s it’s good to be moving towards the state of not being single anymore. That’s the conditioning.

Shani Silver 4:35
Oh, man. I mean, it’s, it’s so wild. When you think about what we’ve been taught to believe about singlehood. We’ve been taught to believe that it’s a wrong state of existing. However, it’s the default state of being an adult. Like if we were meant to exist in pairs. We would be born as to what I mean, but we’re not we’re born as individual human beings who are valid and whole. And I see I see Couplehood is a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing, and I look forward to it someday. But it is not a requirement, it is an option. And in thinking of it as an option, I’m allowed to let much more of my life exist in balance with the desire for partnership, as opposed to believing the false narrative that if you’re a single person, particularly a single woman, your life has to center the pursuit of partnership.

george grombacher 5:25
Yeah, I think that that makes a lot of sense. And, as, as you’re going through this, this 14 years of single 10 years of fruitless and frustrating banging your head against the wall with dating that never resulted in anything positive. Looking back on that has was was that a valuable experience? Or would you have skipped at all just to have the knowledge they have now,

Shani Silver 5:52
I wouldn’t skip anything, I don’t think I wouldn’t want to rewrite anything, I would be too afraid of what that would mean for my future. I came by everything, honestly, you know, and I see everything as an education, nothing is a punishment, and nothing is suffering. For suffering sake, everything is what you choose to view it as, and I choose to view it as an education, I choose to view it as a foundational building block of a life that I enjoy very much right now. So I’m very grateful for everything that I’ve been through, because it’s led to me becoming the person that I am today. And I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. So I’m grateful for it. And if you would have asked me about 10 years ago, I would have said, You’re out of your mind, if you think I’m going to be grateful for this slog through dating that is both miserable, punishing, even cruel at times. But I am really grateful for it, because it’s led to me finding so much purpose and helping other people feel better. So yeah, I wouldn’t change it. I mean, it could have been a little easier, I won’t lie. It was it was purposeful, to it was an education.

george grombacher 6:52
It’s a, I think that we have a really, really flawed, we are screwed up in a lot of ways. This is me speaking for myself. And the way that I’ve traditionally set goals is it’s kind of like, once I do this, then I’ll be happier, I’ll feel this way, once I get the job or make more money, then I’ll feel this way. What do you think about that?

Shani Silver 7:13
I think it’s a dangerous thought process. The if then the events that we assign to life are dangerous, because it puts the responsibility on something outside of ourselves to make the inside of ourselves happy. And it’s never going to be the responsibility of anyone or anything to make you happy. It’s always going to be your responsibility. I thought I was going to be super happy and content and rock solid after I published a book, because that was my life’s greatest dream thus far was to publish a book. And I did that. And while I’m very proud of myself, and I’m so grateful that this book exists, I’m so just, I am overwhelmed in a way, the book isn’t making me happy. That’s not where my internal happiness comes from. It didn’t magically change anything about who I am, or my emotional or mental state, it was an accomplishment, a beautiful one. And I’m very happy about it. But it’s not what’s making me happy. It’s just something that I’ve done that I’m proud of. And I think separating those things, allows for a deeper level of understanding of who you are and what matters to you. And it just also opens up more room for, for exploration of what you love to do, personally, professionally, how you want to grow as a person, but attaching your self worth and your happiness to your accomplishments or your certainly to your relationships. That’s a dangerous thing to do, in my opinion.

george grombacher 8:37
Yeah, it’s just a recipe for, for, for frustration, and for everything else. There’s this beautiful poem by Shel Silverstein called the missing piece. And I don’t know if you’re probably familiar, we have the book, I have the book. It’s just it’s just one of my absolute favorites. And so many of life’s lessons can are best taught by children’s books and the stories. And so that’s always really resonated with me that it’s a fool’s errand to try to, or to think that something outside of ourselves is going to make us whole. And that’s really what you’re talking about. For sure. It is it. It’s harder for women than it is men.

Shani Silver 9:22
Well, I can’t fully speak to that, because I’m only one of those things. But I can tell you it is extremely difficult for you know, single heterosexual women in the dating space who are who are hoping to date men. It’s just I mean, there’s really no, there’s no need to dance around that. It’s really hard. It’s really unbalanced. It’s really unfair. It’s a it’s a grind, and it shouldn’t be. We’re talking about love and partnership to do beautiful things. So why is it that we have to swipe through 1000s of faces and endure 1000s of lewd unwanted messages? At best, by the way, that’s the best We can hope for in a dating app, it gets a lot darker than that. You know, I’ve never really understood why, why those things have to go together? Yes, it’s difficult for single women in the dating space, both online and in real life. I’ll never deny that. But I don’t know what it’s like for men, because I’ve never experienced dating as a man. But I can tell you that it’s incredibly unfairly difficult for single women. And I know that because, first of all, not just because of like, the life that I lived through in that space, not just my perspective, it’s it’s the entire audience that I’ve built around this podcast in this book and a community of singles that are, that are just done. We know that we don’t deserve that, that grind that slog through the mud. We know that’s not why we’re here on earth to suffer through it. We get to have lives, unburdened by it. And that’s why we’ve come together. So yeah, I don’t think that my community and communities like mine would exist. If dating were, were easy for single women.

george grombacher 11:00
Yeah, I certainly well, I was gonna say, I appreciate that. But I don’t necessarily, I will, I will absolutely take take your word for it. So tell me about the book. Because as as you’re explaining all that, to me, I’m thinking, I’m 43 years old, and I was in a relationship with my now wife, before dating apps were a thing. So I didn’t ever have the awful experience and or the great or whatever experiences that you’ve described, although it sounds really pretty brutal. And I’m sure that I would dislike it immensely. So it strikes me that we need a framework for doing everything that we’re talking about for being happy as a single person, because you can’t just go from Oh, just a mindset, a mindset shift. It doesn’t work that way.

Shani Silver 11:53
It doesn’t you need, you need help, and you deserve help and support, and community around reframing singlehood for yourself, it’s one thing for me to say, Oh, just delete your dating apps. And you’ll feel better. It’s another thing for someone to actually do that. Because for the people that are using dating apps, or just dating in real life, there’s almost a compulsion to keep doing. So. It’s, it’s not unlike a gambling model. Those those games in Vegas are designed to keep you there. They’re designed to keep you spending money no matter how much you lose. And dating apps are, are structured in much the same way. So it can be actually very, very difficult to stop dating very difficult to delete dating apps. And that’s by design. But more than that, it’s not always just about dating apps. For me, I wanted there to be what I call the third option, because so far what single women have been taught about our singlehood is that we can either stay on the grind date into oblivion. And that’s, that’s an acceptable way to be single, trying not to be single is an acceptable way to be single. The only other option that’s ever really existed for us is swearing off dating and deciding to be alone, forever marrying yourself whatever that means. We’ve only ever been shown those two options, but I believe in a third, that third option is that you can very much desire a relationship and look forward to it, while simultaneously not being miserably single. That’s allowed. That’s how I live every day. And if I can find that third option and live it every day of my life, and be very grateful to be living it, I wanted to share it with other people. I wanted to teach other people how to find this space in between Dating Yourself into insanity. And thinking that you have to go the rest of your life without love. I don’t think that’s required, I don’t think either are required of us. So I just wanted to provide a third option. And that’s what the book does. And listen, it’s not for, it’s not for someone who loves dating. Like if you love dating, if you’re just booking a ton of dates, and you’re having a great time out there. Maybe the book isn’t for you. But if you are exhausted and frustrated, if you have noticed that over time, the amount of dates that you’re booking is dwindling down to nothing. If you every time you open your dating app, if something offends you, if something brings your mood down, if something ruins your day, every time you look at your phone, you don’t have to live like that. We you know, we’re here. We’re alive on earth. We have this life that we that we get to live and we get to decide how we live it. And I don’t believe that single women should live our actual lives in misery. I just don’t think that’s why we’re here. So I’m hoping that the book will provide a release and relief for single women who are unhappy, that’s when I’m hoping that it delivers.

george grombacher 14:40
Nice. I hope that it does too. And I’m confident is the feedback you’re getting.

Shani Silver 14:47
I hope so I really hope so.

george grombacher 14:51
So fascinating. And it makes all the sense in the world. I talk about personal finance stuff and talk about apps like Robin Hood and just different trading apps and how that is just not a healthy thing for investing. And just like social media has been proven to be damaging. But yeah, why wouldn’t? Why wouldn’t the makers of a dating app want to encourage you to have more activity and to get on there and just blah, blah, blah? So that certainly makes sense. And, and yeah, like so many things in life? If we never really consider or think or question why it is that I feel like there’s only binary options, then I wouldn’t realize that there is a third choice, and which is what you’re talking about?

Shani Silver 15:36
Well, there’s a there’s a financial aspect to online dating as well. But I, in my opinion, not enough people are discussing and that is what other industry, do you know that when it works, it loses money. Because the dating app has no vested interest in you finding a partner. It has a very vested interest in you staying single as long as possible. Because the longer you’re single, the more money it makes off of you. So why would a dating app ever actually want to work? How is a dating app incentivized to work for you? It’s not. It’s designed to work for itself. And it’s designed to keep people single, and swiping and paying money as long as possible. And we’re not acknowledging that we are instead buying into a fantasy and a romance to finding love itself. The dating apps just are not delivering and never have. And we’re clinging to, you know what we like to call success stories, we’re clinging to that friend we know who met their spouse on a dating app, and good for them. I think that’s fantastic. But I’m more concerned for the 1000s upon 1000s of us who haven’t. And that’s who I choose to speak to. And that’s whose experience I care about. Because I don’t think that people finding love on dating apps is the intended outcome. I think it’s an algorithmic accident. And I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to say that. So I just, I’m very, very protective of single women using these apps and giving their money and time to these apps, when these apps have absolutely no financial interest and then finding a partner ever.

george grombacher 17:05
Yeah, you ever really want to kind of get down to what’s really going on here. It’s just follow the money. So Exactly. Exactly. That’s, that’s, that’s awful. But that you point that out. It’s just one of my favorite things to go after, like big banks. And certainly this is another one that when I sense injustice, I’m interested in not that I can do anything about it, but just just just being aware of it. So that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s an incredible thing right there. Wow. Oh, that that certainly makes sense.

Shani Silver 17:39
I just diverted the money as all I took the app the money that I was spending on dating apps, and I diverted it into creating a podcast instead because you know this it costs money to host your podcast on a server equipment cost money, maintaining things like transcribing services and maintaining a website, Squarespace cost money, all of that. So I just took the money that I was putting into fruitless dating apps and I, I stuck it into a podcast. Instead, I started creating something instead of just throwing my money down an endless well of dating apps, I decided to do something productive with it. And I’m I’ve been endlessly endlessly impressed by how much more I’ve gained personally and emotionally from creating something for this community, as opposed to just continuing to sway my life way.

george grombacher 18:21
Some machinee The people are ready for difference making tip even though you’ve already given us a lot, what do you have for them?

Shani Silver 18:29
It’s really simple. And sometimes it takes practice and time in order to, to hold on to it was a really simple concept. It’s just this being single isn’t wrong. We’ve been groomed and taught probably our whole lives, that being single is a wrong thing to be. But it just simply isn’t. Because all the reasons that you’re told being single is wrong. They’re very thin, they crumble very, very easily. And all the reasons that being single is right, hold water. So it might take repeating it to yourself over time, it might take a little getting used to but just entertaining the idea that what you are isn’t a wrong way to be provides such a mental and emotional lift and it’s really worth looking into for yourself.

george grombacher 19:15
Well, I think that that is great stuff that definitely gets come up. Thank you so much for coming on. Where can people learn more about you? How can they? Where can they find a single serving podcast? Or where can they pick up a copy of a single revolution don’t look for a match light one,

Shani Silver 19:32
while shiny silver is a very good global name, but you can find everything on shiny silver.com You can find links to my book to my podcast my writing on medium whatever you would like to find it is all on shiny silver calm.

george grombacher 19:47
Excellent. Well if you enjoyed as much as I did show showing your appreciation and share today’s show with a friend who also appreciates good ideas go to shiny silver. com that’s sh anisilvr.com and check out the podcast a single serving podcast and pick up the book a single revolution don’t look for a match light one thanks good Cheney

Unknown Speaker 20:08
Thank you

george grombacher 20:10
and until next time keep fighting the good fight we’re all in this together

Transcribed by https://otter.ai